Un-App-etizing

I don't have the dating app on my phone for the same reason I don't have the Facebook app on my phone. I suffer from a disorder called obsessive-compulsive-checky-checky-postaholic-scrollitis. (Look it up. If it's not already in the DSM V, I promise you, it'll be in the DSM VI.) I'm also thrifty, with a limited data plan, so I have to watch it. And it's not like I can't feed my disorder anywhere there's wi-fi (which is everywhere except my parents' living room). Still. I brag about not having social media apps on my phone like it makes me more highly evolved. Which is part of my schtick as an online dater.

Most of my online dating interactions reveal men who crave immediacy and rapidly lose interest without it. I once had an exchange with a guy who looked sooooooo hot in his pictures! (I mean he had a well-crafted bio and quality personality traits.) We were able to chat in real time only because it was Sunday, I was bored and on my laptop and suffering a relapse of obsessive-compulsive-checky-checky-postaholic-scrollitis on multiple screens (Facebook Twitter Instagram Goodreads OKEros www.debramcqueen.com).

It went like this:

Him: hi there

Me: Hi!

Him: tell me what you seeking on here

Me: How are you spending your Sunday?

[Overlappy-typing-at-the-same-time-itis - You know he was on his phone, the absence of conventions like punctuation a dead giveaway]

Him: well just went out alone and spend that at a quite place

can we chat more on gmail so we get to know more about ourselves

Me: I kind of have a policy to wait till we've chatted more here and met in person to share phone numbers or emails... Hope you don't mind... [Untyped but thought out loud: Dude, proofread already - "a QUITE place?" and who gives out personal information 30 seconds in?]

Him: i mind i wanna talk to you on hangouts okay

Me [Untyped but yelled with dawning realization at laptop screen: You can't post dick pics on this app and you hope I'll send you a shot of my JJ on google hangouts, right?]

Recently I messaged a guy simply because he plays the ukulele and wrote in his profile "You should contact me if you have an insatiable curiosity about any of this" and on this particular Sunday I was hungry for knowledge of ukuleles. Also I'm learning that when I start the conversations, I tend to weed out illiterate cybersexers more quickly.

He wrote back four hours later: "Please forgive the late response" and enthusiastically suggested we meet the next day at a place where ukuleles (and other cool-sounding instruments) are played.

When I finally got back to him the following Sunday, I wrote, "It's okay (about the late response) (which didn't seem late to me). I'm not in a hurry." And then I went on to be charming and distant, expressing an interest in meeting but oooh, I'm a little busy for the next few days... AKA my schtick.

It appears that Sunday is my designated day for online interaction - should I put that on Line 1 of my bio? "I don't have the app on my phone and only get on this site every seven days but be patient, I'm worth it." Or, perhaps more honestly: "Look, I'm a teacher, I love my job but it's exhausting, I almost never go out except Saturdays, which, frankly, I'd rather spend doing something with my best friend than taking a chance on some random guy I met on the internet. Don't take that the wrong way! I want to date! Really! I just probably can't see you except during two weeks at Christmas, one week in February, one week in April, or next summer. You should contact me if you want to look at my calendar so I can pencil you in."

I bet I'll get a lot of "likes" with that one.